June....

Well....this month has stunk. I haven't worked out much at all this WHOLE month! I've hit a wall and don't really care! I don't want to work out, I want to enjoy my summer with my kiddos. I don't think I'm gonna pay next month or August. We're needing to cut back financially and since it's not a priority as of now, I think I'll take a couple months off of the gym. I am working out some here at home, running and push ups, sit ups and such, and I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any either. I'm not giving up, just stopping for a bit until I get through summer and get my head on straight!

VBS was pretty good. We had quite a few kiddos and it went fairly smoothly, until the last night, the final night was kinda rough, but it was still fun and the s'mores were great! All the help was wonderful, that's something I worried about the whole time, getting volunteers. My self confidence thing sneaking up on me! But it went great and it's done!

Had to build a stinking fence today to keep my dog in because our stupid neighbor took down the fence and won't put one back up! He told me three weeks max, and we're pushing NINE!!!!! RIDICULOUS! My poor dog has been on a 20 foot leash for TOO long! He's such an ass! Arrogant and haughty! UGH! Oh well, we've fixed the no fence problem for now, but I'll build my own fence if he doesn't hurry up and get that thing finished SOON!

Heading to Mansfield Sunday! Staying at Joe Pool Lake in our little camper, it's gonna be great to see Dunnigan's sister and to take the kiddos to Hurricane Harbor! Hope Koty can handle the golf course down there, it's THICK with trees and a pretty hard course! Oh well, it'll be beautiful to play and he'll have fun! I can't wait to get out of town for a few days too!

Well, jotted down some thoughts that kept bouncing around so maybe I can get the voices to quiet down enough to relax and go to sleep!

They were silenced today...

The voices, they were humbled today before my glorious Creator. I love the morning jog when there's just me, my dog, and my ipod full of praises for my Lord! We had a come to Jesus meeting and I was reminded that only He can answer the prayers and in His time. VBS will work out and so will the garage sale and the family reunion. The voices have been silenced for now, and I am so happy today. I also have to thank a great friend for offering to help me out with a VBS issue, at least I know that the kiddos will have a teacher, even if none of the other people pan out. God is good and He will deliver when asked for humbly and without greed of heart! I want these monkeys to have a great experience and to see Him work in some of their lives like no other can!

So, the weight loss issues. I've started counting my calories again. I've not done well in several weeks and I'm not sure what is going on, so I'm going to keep up with how much I'm eating for a while and see if that helps. I'm SO ready to see more results on the scale, though I do see results in my clothing, seriously thought my shorts would fall off yesterday, YAY! God and I, well we also had a chat this morning about keeping myself on the right path and to make His path so apparant to me that it shines like a beacon! I'm assuming that me losing weight is all a part of this path, because if I don't keep working it off, I will surely end up in an early grave, and I don't want that.

I also have to get a hold of my house, it seems to be running away from me, I just can't seem to get started on ANYTHING inside! I love to mow and weedeat and plant flowers and such, I just hate laundry, cleaning up, and anything to do with the inside! I know this is all a part of taking care of my family and myself, but I just can't seem to motivate in this area! WHY? It has to be done and no one will do it for me, so get off my duff and get it done....maybe later! hehe I have to get out to the shed, have to get ready for this garage sale Friday and Saturday! Phew! Anything else added to my plate???? Just kidding, cause I'm sure there could be more! :D

The Voices in my head.....

These voices in my head keep telling me that the reason that I'm struggling to get teachers for VBS, is because I'm the one in charge! I know there's a level of apathy in every church but this is ridiculous! I've been begging and I've been running my tail off and wondering if this is actually going to happen! I've been praying that God put it on someone's heart that they will step up and teach this little guys, if not, it looks like I will be teaching and heading up everything else! WOW, doesn't that sound like fun! UGH! Why does the devil place these thoughts in my head, it's a little nerve racking! I am really ready to get this done and hopefully next year someone else will step up, 'cause I ain't doing it!

These voices are also telling me to quit, just quit going to the gym! You're not accomplishing much, so why keep going! UGH! I know I am accomplishing a little, and a little will become more and more as time goes on, but I'm SO tired lately, SO TIRED! I'm really bummed and these voices, they just aren't helping me at all! The negative thoughts, the negative feelings, they were gone for a while, but have come back with a vengeance! Am I a schizoid or what! I have to stop the focusing on myself and focus on the task at hand...to be healthier for my family and to get this VBS going for those kiddos! God will prevail and He will get those in His classes that He wants! He will also help me to stay focused on my health and fitness and stopping these voices in my head! God is good and He will see me through! Shut up voices, I'm referring to my creator! HE IS GOOD!

FINALS WEEK!!

So, this is finals week! I have one to take Wednesday evening, and one online to take by Thursday! I also have to get my classroom observances done today and tomorrow! I also have to get in to my advisor to figure out what classes to take next semester and get stuff together so that we can have a great VBS! Phwew! That's quite a bit to get done this week, but I'm SO ready to be done with my classes this semester so I can get started on summer! :D YAY!

I weighed this morning, DOWN another 4 pounds since last Monday! YAY! That's a total of about 30 lbs since January! I'm so excited! I can feel the difference the working out is doing for my body and my energy, now if I could just get my mind in tune with the rest of me, I'd be doing pretty good! I still struggle with body image and self confidence, but I feel that will come as the weight keeps coming off, I hope! My "darkside" has been better, I don't get so unhappy and sad as much during the month, so that's a good thing. I also can play with the kids more and not just sit and stare at the TV or my computer. My ultimate goal is to run a 5K in September! I think I'll be able to achieve this goal, I'm currently walk/jogging 2.5 miles, so I think by September I'll be good to go!

God is SO good and has blessed me beyond measure and I have to remember that everything I have and everything I am, is only because He loves me, ALL of me, just the way I am, and nobody can change that! I just love the saying, "It's hard to stumble when you are on your knees!" I'm trying to keep Him in my every thought and action and word throughout my day! It can be difficult, but I will keep trying. Life is sweeter when your living for Him! Going to shower up, got to get around so I can get my precious Dyl-pickle and eat lunch and head to the Jr. High today! Hope it's a great one!

Oh forgot to mention, it's Dunnigan's birthday this Friday, so I'm taking him to dinner and a movie, first date night we've had in a while! SO excited! Going with some of our best friends, too...WOO HOO! Can't wait!

BUSY.....

So I haven't written my thoughts in a while, been extremely busy! Which is a good thing, keeps me from going to those dark places and having my pity party, much all night fests! :D I've done pretty well on my workouts, with Michelle changing it up on me I think it really has helped as bad as I hate to admit it! The first week was BRUTAL, my arms ached so bad I missed class that week. Then the next week got better and now this week is pretty good, I might raise some of my weight or do more reps. I am seeing more results than I have in weeks and I'm excited again! YAY! I only had one day this month that I could call "dark". I didn't handle a situation well with Dunnigan and it led to a HUGE argument and it just so happened that that day was the same day I missed class! Oh well, it's better than two weeks of anger and uncontrollable sadness! I'm struggling right now with getting VBS workers together, doesn't seem like anyone wants to help, they all want it done, just don't want to be the ones to do it! That's the problem with our church, we all want stuff done, just some don't want to chip in and "do their part! Define your part! Where does it explain your part in the Bible?" HEHE Dr. Don quote there! :D Oh well, God is good and I know this will all go as He has planned!

We are also trying SO hard to keep our finances in check. We have a new car payment and we should be able to make this payment with no problems, but we have a tendency to spend before we pay bills and that HAS to stop! We are doing pretty well so far, one payment into this 5 year loan, hoping to get our credit cleaned up and refinance it next year! We have a tweenager fixing to need a vehicle, so we need to get this one paid for and get Dunnigan a new one and get the little Jeep all fixed up for Koty! WOW! Can't believe my life has gone by so quickly! Talking about Koty driving makes me a little WOooOZiiee! It's just gone by so fast! *sniff sniff* :D

I'm getting tired of these clouds and rain, but I know it will make this grass and all these trees so fabulous! It's just so hard to get up out of bed and function when it's dark and gloomy! I have a sinus headache from H-E double toothpicks today! NOTHING will get rid of it! UGH! I also have Bunco tonight, usually love to go play, but wish I could just go to bed and sleep this stupid thing off! ICK! Oh well, maybe it'll ease up before I go down to Kathy's. Going to rest my eyes for a bit before Bunco! God is good and His grace is enough!

Osteoporosis???

So, the Dr. office told me that it looks like Koty has osteoporosis in his feet. I google it and read all kinds of info about it. It seems that it can be caused by an underlying problem, but Koty has none of the symptoms of the others, so I'm assuming that he has what is called idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis. We have him on Tums 3x a day and a multivitamin that has vitamin D in it. The Dr. office didn't seem that concerned, but I am. Why would my healthy son be losing bone density? I had to ask if I neeeded to follow up, or if this was all that needed to be done! Kinda crazy! Maybe I'm too concerned about this and it isn't anything at all, but I can't help but wonder. I am going to turn this over to God and let Him handle it from here, I worry too much when I try to deal with things beyond my control!

So, another thing I HAVE to do, is to call my Dr. I haven't had a checkup in over 2 years. My mom has been telling me to schedule an appointment and get it done, I just hate to do it! But I know I have to. I'm just nervous that I'll need to have a hysterectomy or something, but I guess I'll get through whatever needs to be done, I just don't want to right now. I don't know why I feel that I will need surgery, I just do. It's something that I feel is inevitable and that this might be the year that I need it taken out. So, okay, I'm getting off here to get my appointment scheduled and to go eat lunch...praying for Koty's healing!

Getting discouraged...

Had a wonderful day today, but feeling a little let down and discouraged this evening. I'm not losing any weight! I'm not eating near what I was and I'm working out like crazy! I've even been out and about, trying not to sit in front of my computer all day. I'm just not losing ANYTHING! I hate to go on any type of "diet" because I know from prior experience that I WON'T stick to it! I need to figure out what I can do to get this weight off! I'm SOOOO sick of it! I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the self-conscienciousness I have...it is really taking its toll on my life and I'm ready for my this to be GONE! I have to figure out something else, maybe a food journal of some kind, so that I actually see what I am eating, so that I can make some cuts or adjustments during the day. I think my focus has moved and I'm trying to do it on my own...I tend to do that from time to time. So, I'm going to try to focus my eyes on God and let Him lead me to the path I'm to follow on this journey! I get a little cocky thinking I'm living this life for my enjoyment and I need to refocus it on Him and His plan for me. Trying to get rid of this discouragement, going to have a visit with my Lord...

UGH!

Well, here I go again...it's the start of another week! We had spring break last week and I didn't work out Wed-Sun, and this morning was ROUGH! I am happy I've been working out, or I wouldn't have been able to walk through the caverns, that was TOUGH, but I did it. It was so cool to see those stalagtites and stalagmites! Dylan and Koty loved it too! We had a fun week, but BOY did I pay this morning.

So, I'm feeling a little stressed out! Our car broke down on the way down to San Antonio, so we went to a car lot and found a car I loved. They also offered us $6000 for my POS and gave us bottom dollar for the new car. I'm happy with the deal we got, but oh my, a payment again! Wish that wasn't a reality but it is! We can make this payment, I just have to do it! We have to buckle down and get it paid! NO MORE SHOPPING for me! That's BAD! I LOVE TO SHOP! I will have to find different ways to get my shopping fix! Online or window I guess!

I also have to get back to work on my classes...I'm so ready for them to be out for summer! Actually, I'm ready to get done, completely!! Keep doubting myself, am I doing the right thing, should I just stop and be mommy?? UGH! I confuse myself! I need summer SOON!

What a day...

Well, I made the workout, but it wasn't fun! I'm not happpy, I gained three pounds this weekend and hadn't had a loss in two weeks....UGH! I also hurt everytime I try to do situps, it HURTS, and not in a getting in shape way, it's a OUCH, that SUX type way! I still did 45, but I usually do 60! It's rainy and yucky today, and I've got TONS of laundry to do, and I'd rather be asleep! I think a nap is in order! :D Koty plays golf tomorrow, and I'm praying he has the best day ever! He deserves to do well, he's worked so hard, and I would love to see him have a huge success, it would be huge boost in his self-confidence! Then we are heading to San Antonio! YAY! Some time out of town and in the warmth! I'm ready to get away for a bit! The bad thing is, I'll have to figure out how to work out. I can't stop now, I've invested 9 weeks, and although I haven't seen huge successes, I've seen some and will not stop until I finally feel and look better!

Thoughts from the darkside...

Really struggling for motivation today...Didn't want to get up and workout this morning, but I did it anyway. Now, I'm really struggling to study for my test tomorrow. It's been a long time since I've taken a test in a classroom and I am stresses out over it. I have taken many tests and done well, but I've taken them online and been able to confirm my answers. UGH! I know what it is, it's getting to be that time again, YUK! I can feel the depression and anxiety creeping up on me and I am trying to fight it. Sometimes just gets so overwhelming.

The weight thing is ridiculous too. I gain weight for a couple of weeks before, and yup, I'm gaining weight. Every day seems like I gain another pound or two. How will I ever lose any, if it's three pounds down and four pounds up!?!?! I will not give up, but it's just so hard. I want to see some real results for my sweating and workouts, but I'm just not. I have only lost around 16 pounds and that's really frustrating!! REALLY frustrating!!!!!! I had a goal set for March, well it came and went. Was arguing with 1.6 pounds, and well I'm back to needing to lose 5 to reach that goal! I wanted to reach this goal BEFORE March! I should have been able, to but for some stupid reason I didn't. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Why did I ever let myself get to this point? Stupid, stupid, stupid!! Now I'm gonna have to work for a LONG time to finally get healthy again. Why did I do this? DUH! Why do I keep doing this? Eating myself into oblivion is not acceptable, why do I keep doing it? I know logically that it doesn't make sense, but emotionally it makes me feel good.

I am happy to be seeing the sun shine again. It seems my moods get easier to handle when the sun is shining and the temperature is above 50 degrees. I love spring and summer, they just make me smile! And this weekend is daylight savings! Whoopy! I love this time change! Gives me more sunshine to enjoy during the day!! We are also heading out to San Antonio next week during spring break, YAY! I can't wait to get out of town! It'll be great, supposed to be warm and sunny down there! Hopefully I can get a break and this will relight my fires! They are awful dim right now! Guess I better get to studying...YUK!

Busy week....

So, I've been so busy lately, but I've had a pretty good week! I love my workouts in the mornings, and I actually got some results this week, first week in a LONG while. I lost 8 pounds! Whoop Whoop! I'm 1.6 pounds of a personal goal I've set for myself! So excited! Trying HARD to stay on track this weekend so that I will be able to hit this goal by March, which is Monday! I'm eating pizza for lunch, but only two pieces and not a whole half of a pizza! :D

On another note, I'm such a procrastinator. I've put off my reading schoolwork for a week and a half! It's due tomorrow by midnight! DUH! Why do I do this to myself? I know it's due, I know I am completely capable of this work, but I put it off until the last minute and then have to cram to get it done. Even now, I'm blogging instead of doing my work! Good grief! I'm kinda ridiculous!

Sent my kiddo off on an out of town youth activity, first one ever. So glad Jano is going, eases my mind a little. God is good, and He will take care of my guy! I'm just silly about letting him go off without us! I'll be praying for his safe return! I know he'll have a blast, there's tons of bands and it'll be awesome, wish we could've gone!

Going to get off here and get my lunch in my gut and do this stupid homework! UGH! Would rather do housework than this! Now you know it's bad! :D

Hmmmm...

So, things are kinda weird this week. Haven't been in a great mood, but not really pissy, just kinda here. I'm encouraged that I am stepping up my exercise, I'm happy with my precious family, and I can't wait to see what God has planned with this new bomb that has been dropped on our family. I got to go to church tonight instead of my class, really enjoyed that. Got to step in my old class and check on them, I've really missed them and got lots of hugs! I spent time with the high school kids and listen to my hubby give his lesson. It was fun! Getting my hair did tomorrow and hanging out with some fabulous friends, ought to be a good laugh! I can't overdo it on pizza or Friday morning will kill me! Getting a little nervous about this weekend...will be very interesting!

It's only TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a week! Yup, it's been quite a week and it's only Tuesday! Our little family has had a huge weight dropped on us, and don't really know what to do with it! I've been on my knees asking God, WHAT? Really? I can't say much yet, but know that my brother's family and my mom and dad are in dire need of prayer and support! It's just a big thing and it'll be interesting to find out what God has planned for our families! God is good and I know that there is something good to come out of this ordeal.

Okay, enough "mystery"! I'm excited about the new regimen starting tomorrow. Gonna start lifting three times a week. I've noticed that my weeks are starting to get easier and need a bump up a little, so tomorrow we will start and see how that goes. Should be interesting! :D Had a huge accomplishment today! Went for the entire time on the elliptical today, a little over 46 minutes and I got 10 miles done! I also raised the load up to 10, whoop whoop! Makes me feel good! I made myself SWEAT a lot!

I figured out why I had such a rough end to my week, it's that "fun" time in every woman's life and was a little surprised by it this morning, even though I was down in a dark place last week. Kinda makes me glad to know that that's the reason for my depression last week. I really struggle sometimes with all the business that goes along with this disorder, but this time didn't seem quite so bad. I didn't have the symptoms for 2 weeks like usual, but only for a few days, which is HUGE! I've been known to cry for days straight! My face and neck break out in huge pimples, worse than a teenage boy! :( SUCKS! My self image suffers, I don't like myself, my hair, my face, who I am, etc. My interest in housework, schoolwork, church and just being around others gets really bad. I'd rather stay in bed and watch TV and hide! I didn't struggle quite so bad this time. I still had the bloating and heaviness, but the sadness and depression wasn't quite as bad.

I started exercising because I saw that a friend had had success and I needed SOMETHING, but little did I know that it could actually help me as much as it has already! Can't wait to see what will happen as the year goes on! Going to take a shower now, got to get to Amarillo for Dunnigan's Chiropractic appointment.

SOOOOOOO TIRED TODAY!

I am so tired and sluggish today. I struggled through my workout horribly, and I felt like I was gonna fall down. I got done and just wanted to come home and go back to bed, but I had to go get my car and talk to Eugene about the goofy thing. So, they have to order a part($238-just for the part) and that will take a few days, so I went to get my mom so she could have her car back and I could pick mine up. When I finally got home, I sat down and began to play on the computer and couldn't keep my eyes open. I kept dosing off until it was time to get Dylan from school. I had to pry myself from my chair and find my shoes and trek out into the feezing weather. It's SO cold today, it's sinking down in my bones! I have just been miserable today. COLD, tired, ticked at a family member, just wanted to go hide under the covers! UGH! What a day! If the sun doesn't shine soon, I'm heading south! This is crazy! I keep feeling myself falling further down and it was just two days ago that I was fine. I hate being a woman sometimes, we have to deal with menstruation, child birth, cramps, mood swings, children, crazy family members, groceries, bills, should I go on? My PMDD is in high gear today, and it's early in the month...can't wait to see what the rest of the month has to hold! :( I have to push through this, or I will sink my ship and give up on my weight loss goals! Really hard to lose weight when you can't stop eating, another symptom of PMDD! I really need to call my Dr. and get some help with this, it's gonna get me so down, it'll be harder to come back up! Wow, this sets in quick. I forget from month to month how quickly I can go from happy go lucky me to PMDD moody, weepy, headachey, cranky, pity party throwing, depressed, unhappy, sadsack me! UGH! I've got to get up and stop wallowing in my self pity! Lord give me strength! Counting down the minutes until I can go back to bed, SO tired!

UGH!

Well, I didn't do well today. As soon as Dunnigan went to bed, I ate some chips and ranch dip and some of that stinking ice cream! They need to hide it from me. I only ate about 6 spoonfuls, but I didn't keep my promise to myself. Why? I keep my promises to others, why can't I keep the ones I make to myself? Ridiculous!

I've had some stress added as well. I seriously can't believe some people. I think she's crazy. I've thought she was crazy a long time ago, but it's getting worse. Why does she take out all her aggravation out on that poor child? It breaks my heart! He's one of God's children and he deserves so much better. I know I can't do anything about it, but I will pray for him and always, always show him the love that he doesn't get at home!

Lord, I lift him up to you and pray that he will some how know that he is loved and he is a wonderful child of God. Lord, please help her to let go of the anger and hatred and to learn to love this child for who he is. Lord, You can do all things and I pray that You place you loving arms around him and comfort him and love him! Thank You Lord, In Jesus precious name, amen!

MUNCHIE....

That's me this week! I want to eat eat eat! UGH! That doesn't work when you're trying to lose weight. I am trying to drink water to curb my appetite, and trying to eat a small snack here and there, but my gosh, I am still so hungry! It's crazy! I want it to STOP! Why must the food part of this be so hard? I can't seem to get that under control. It's ridiculous how badly I want to go get that bucket of ice cream and wipe it out! Not just a few bites, but ALL of it! WHY? Why do I think I need to eat it all!?!? So frustrating! I'm not going to eat it all, in fact I am going to stay out of it completely today! I will not eat any of it! Last night at Bible study Leah was so touching. She shared a lot of her pain and problems to us last night. Bless her heart. I wish I could have half of her strength. She has to struggle just to get out of a chair, and I can stand without any problems, heck, I can climb on the elliptical for 30 minutes or more with no problem. I have to be thankful for that. I feel like I let God down sometimes. I feel like I'm a big disappointment. It's sad the pity parties I throw myself! I'm ridiculous sometimes! I have to remember, I have not let Him down, He doesn't see me through human eyes, He sees my heart. He sees me trying and He loves me even when I struggle. He loves me and will never leave me! WOW! He's awesome! Just trust in Him and this will get me through. I'm still craving snacks, but I do feel better. I needed to put it all in front of me so I can see how crazy I'm acting. I can do this...I will do this. I have no other choice. Just forget that the ice cream is in there, and go about your day, NOW! The Lord is my source of strength, with Him I can do ALL things! Lord take these cravings away! PLEASE! Help me to remain strong and not to give in to these temptations to eat and eat!

Thou shalt not eat chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream....

Okay. Tonight I was SO craving this ice cream, so I thought, no, I'll eat a few chips, salt, yea, salt will take the ice cream craving go away. Well, didn't help, so I decided to eat the few crumbs of chocolate chip cookies that were left in the bottom of the container. Pitiful, I know! So I finally gave in, and I got out the most heavenly Schwan's ice cream I've ever eaten, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup! Ahhhhh! You open the lid and a barage of angels sing it's praises! HEHE! It's just that good! So I open the lid, hear the angels sing, and take the first bite and BAM! I'm choking and choking and I can't breathe and I'm peeing my pants! As I'm wheezing through the chocolate and peanut butter, I hear in the back of my head, "Thou shalt not eat chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream when you promise not to until the weekend!" HEHE! So I dragged my sad self to the shower, changed my clothes.....then decided to eat just one more bite before I put it up.....DUH! He said NO! I started choking again! What? Am I going to choke every time I eat it!?!?! OH NO! I've been praying that I would see food as fuel and only eat when hungry. I have also prayed that my obsession with chocolate and sweets be curbed in some way. Well, I guess I'm gonna choke everytime I eat sweets when I've promised myself I wouldn't! Can that happen? What have I done!?!?!? Crazy! :D

Friday!!!!

So, it's Friday. I really have had a great week all in all. I really can't complain. My biceps are sore, but that's it. I did 30 on the elliptical and 15 on the stationary bike this morning. I was sweating big time today! It was hard, really hard, but I did it. I feel so good this afternoon. I can't believe I ever let myself get this fat. I'm so pissed! My former self would so kick my present self's ass! I am just coming to the realization how hard this is gonna be. I have worked my butt off the last three weeks and haven't seen much of a weight change. I feel better and have a lot more stamina and I'm happier, but not much of a weight loss. I've even been documenting how many calories I take in, but nothing much still. I see that this is going to be a marathon, and I'm just going to have to get it done. I have no other choice. I'm not giving myself another choice, it's do it or die!

Now, since today is Friday, I don't have to exercise tomorrow or Sunday. BUT, I have to remember that food is not entertainment, it is to nourish my body. THAT'S ALL! I don't think I can keep going if I go back on Monday and have a weight gain or NO weight loss. So, I have to eat, but not overeat. That's hard for me, I am so food oriented, it's stupid! I LOVE TO EAT! I wish I didn't, but I do. That's my prayer for the weekend, that God help me to put my obsession with food behind me and learn other ways to entertain myself, and to comfort myself. Food is fuel, that's it. Going to eat at Buns Over Texas tomorrow, and I think I will half a burger with Dylan. That'll help with my portion control and with money. I think it'll work out great. I'm also going to The Country Peddler show, it's great fun and can't wait to go. Looking for stuff for my kitchen, bathroom or bedroom. YAY!

Sleepy....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So sleepy this afternoon. Didn't sleep well last night, don't know why, just do that sometimes. It hasn't bothered me much to miss sleep lately, but today, man, I just can't shake it! I want to nap, but if I nap, I really don't sleep at night! Okay, now with that said. I made my work out this morning and I felt so good today. I feel better and better everyday. I actually had an epihpany this week, I CAN LOSE THIS WEIGHT! I started this working out thing thinking I'd give it a shot and see what happens, but yesterday, I just felt it. I can do this! It's gonna be hard and it's gonna take time, but I won't quit this time. I can't, if I do, I know what will happen, I will get even fatter! When that happens, I'll feel even worse and could put my health at risk. This time is different, I haven't had to have anybody there. I haven't had to have anybody pushing me, I've done it all week without help or pushing and I worked my can off! I HOPE! :D

Didn't make it to class last night, we got more snow. Kinda sick of that! Ready for winter to be OVER! We are supposed to have even more snow Sunday or Monday, then again on Thursday or Friday next week! URGH! SO tired of it! Maybe I should try reverse psychiatry on it, I LOVE SNOW, I WANT IT TO SNOW ALL DAY LONG! I WANT IT TO SNOW DAY IN AND DAY OUT! There, let's see what happens! :D It'll probably snow for days and days now! OH, I'm ready for warm weather, flowers, sunshine, pool, golf....etc. Not sure if I'll live through two more storms, or however more we have coming this season!

Gravestone: She died of boredom and severe hatred for snow!

Thinking of my grandparents....

For some reason, tonight I am missing my grandparents. All of them. They were all special and an integral part of my life. My dad's dad was a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted man. I remember him only from when I was a child, he died when I was 10. I remember he had so much spirit, so much love for his grandchildren. And I miss him, I missed out on getting to know him well. He missed seeing me grow up and have his great grand-children. It makes me sad. I had the privilege of having the others up until two years ago, though my nanny, my dad's mom, pretty much checked out several years ago. She was something else. She was pretty prideful and vain, but she loved us, a lot! I hated that she didn't get to meet the brown-eyed grandkid she'd always wanted. She passed away when I was 34, and I hadn't seen her in 4 years or more. That makes a person feel bad, she was my nanny. She was Jahovah's Witness Cult and it put a lot of stress on our relationship, though we did spend a lot of time during the summers at her house. I remember their garden, the funny little stand up shower in their bathroom, the match lighting, tee hee, and the huge wash tub in the laundry room that I used to bathe in as a small child!

My mom's parents were the best. They were always very involved in our lives. They came to concerts and recitals and were here for so many holidays I can only remember a few that they weren't. My papa passed away Jan. 11, 1997 and was burried Jan. 14, 1997. There's a huge significance to these dates, Koty was born Jan. 14, 1998, very cool huh? My grandma was the one who drew that to my attention. I hated that my papa didn't get to meet my kids, he would have loved them. He was a character, he called me Genie with the light brown hair. What? I was always blonde! I think he could have taught Koty and Dylan to play the guitar. He could have shown them so many things. I miss him!

My grandma, hmmm, where do I start, she was one of my best friends as we got older. She was wonderful and kind and loved us like a grandma does. I learned to cook fried chicken like she did, and boy could she fry that chicken! She was a Sunday school teacher, and a good mom, and a great grandma! I miss her so badly. She could always see the good in everyone, even her stinking rotten grandkids! :D She had a distorted view of her boys, but it was just because she loved them so much, she couldn't see that they were messing up. She so wanted them to be successful and happy, and I think through her death, she may have reached my Uncle Phil. I'm praying. My Uncle Tracey, well, he's a different story, prayers for him too, though. Grandma loved, that's what she was guilty of, she loved too much to see that they had really goofed up their lives. I think in the end, she realized her greatest accomplishment on earth was my mom. My mom is the best. She smacks me down when I need it, she builds me up when I need it, and she loves, she might even love deeper than my grandma did. It's a tight race! Grandma passed last year, and we have missed her smile, her goofy antics and her sweet love that only she could give ever since. I know she's better now, no more back pain, no more struggling to breath, but I do miss her tons!

Just feeling nostalgic tonight and wanted to thank God for my grandparents! They were an eclectic mix, but they were mine and I appreciate every opportunity I had to spend with them here on earth.

I'm all alone, there's nobody here beside me...

HEHEHEHE! That's Donkey's song from Shrek! That's the way I felt this morning, no one was at the gym, I am so glad that I had Koty's Ipod! It so helped me get through...30 MINUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL! Woo HOO! It wasn't easy, but I did it! YAY ME! I also stepped on the scales again, I know, I shouldn't, but I did, and I'm down 3 pounds today! I am so happy, it's gonna work! It has to! I have to get healthy, and stay that way! I have too many health issues looming over my head. Found out today that my dad's pre-cancerous cells on his face are now cancerous. Not sure what is going to come of this, but I'm praying the treatment next week will fix it and he won't have any more treatments. It's scary to think about losing your parents, I'm not ready for that, for sure! Now, I have to focus on my schoolwork, or I will not get it done today!

So...it's Monday....

Today was actually a good day, and it's Monday! I didn't sleep well last night, was anticipating my work out this morning, and weighing after being stuck at home forEVER and going out to eat at Napoli's and eating pot luck at church and at my in-laws! I was happy I didn't gain anything, but felt like I was on the road to sabotaging my goals already! I want to lose weight, I want to feel better and be able to run and play with my boys and go hiking and things. We have now decided to go skiing next Christmas and it's impossible to do that at my weight! So that's my second goal, my first? Dallas, Six Flags, Hurricane Harbor, Ft. Worth Zoo this summer. I don't want to watch my family have fun, I want to be in there with them, having fun, laughing, smiling in my pictures, not hiding behind the camera! Why do I let my cravings take comtrol? I give in and eat, whatever I'm craving! I have to remember that food is to fuel my body, nourishment, not entertainment, not comfort for my ill-feelings!

On the other had, I have to stop procrastinating. I have two assignments and two tests due tomorrow, and I still haven't read the chapters yet! WHAT is wrong with me this semester? I usually procrastinate, but not this badly! I am really sinking my own boat, these classes are two that I HAVE to make Bs in, I HAVE to. It's a requirement for my degree plan! I am going to have to get my act together and QUICKLY or I will completely screw this up! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Deep breath, now, go read and stop thinking about food for a while, tomorrow!! :D

Walking through wet cement...

That's what I felt like today when I got on my treadmill, like I was walking through wet cement and it was drying really quickly! I wanted to stop so badly, my legs were screaming, my arms felt like 50 lb weights, and my mind was no where close to exercise! I stayed on and went up to 10% incline and back down and thought I'd get off after I hit 1%, but I trudged through the cement and eventually I felt like it wasn't drying quite so fast. I kept hearing in my head, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." I believe this statement wholeheartedly. I am lazy, have been lazy for a long time, and getting this laziness off of my shoulders is gonna take a lot of work. I stayed on the treadmill and even went back up to 5% and back down again, and even jogged for a minute just to see what it felt like. It was HARD, I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy, cause it wasn't, but I did it and I'm proud. I am gonna lose this weight and change my life forever, I will not die to my obesity! I'm sick of it, sick of it! Sick of feeling awful, of looking awful, and feeling like less of a person because of my weight. I refuse to quit this time! Woo hoo, the endorphins have kicked in and I feel good right now! HEHE!

WHAT?

Okay...I didn't make it to the gym today, so I got on my treadmill. I started off like I always do, and I was sucking air right off the bat! WHAT?!?! I've been working out for almost two weeks now, and I thought I was making headway, but now I get a slap in the face today! I don't know if I would have survived lifting day today! Just 32 minutes of cardio almost killed me, I was sweating buckets, seriously, I could have provided water for a small nation! Man, am I distressed...I loathe snow and cold weather, and what is it doing, snowing and blowing. I want to get a workout in and can't even go the full 45 minutes because I'm sucking air so bad, I can't breathe! WHAT!?!?! I have done so much damage to myself that it's gonna kill me to get it off, kind of ironic, huh? Gonna kill me if I don't, and it's gonna kill while I do! :D I'm a comodian! Life of the potty! DER! I do feel better that I did get off my arse today! Still mad that I struggled so hard! Oh well, I need to put on my big girl panties and deal!

Lots of snow today...lots of ice before the snow. Praying that the electricity stays on tonight! Making a pot of beans for tomorrow and a pot of stew for supper, and gots to have cornbread of course! Maybe a little piece!?! UGH! Maybe not! This is my life, arguing with myself about what I should and shouldn't eat!

ICE, SNOW, BURRITOES and BURP! :D

So, there's no school and ice everywhere with a 100% chance of snow on top of that! I would have loved to sleep in, but NO, my kids are up and at 'em this morning! UGH! I was also let down that I can't go work out, today is lifting day and I was kinda looking forward to it. I will get on my treadmill later, but right now Dunnigan is sleeping and I can't exactly get on it. I was happy he made it home safely, it took him 30 minutes to drive 11 miles! WOW! Usually takes him about 13-15 minutes. He might not have to go in tonight, depends on how much snow we get later. I guess I could get some school work done and some laundry, two of my favorite things, NOT! Oh well, it HAS to be done!

After class last night, I stopped at Taco Villa and got a burrito and nachos, um, well it was a combo burrito GRANDE! I'm so stupid, I didn't even want to eat it all but I did, including every nacho and all my Dr. Pepper! I was craving it SO bad, wanted Taco Villa something awful! But after I ate it all, I was miserable! COMPLETELY! Why did I eat it all? I could have stopped when I was full, but I didn't, I kept going until completely miserably full! STUPID! I had to take a Prilosec, something I hadn't had to do in a few weeks, but because I overate and ate too quickly, I had to take some last night. I need to remember how I felt and never do that again!

Now I'm gonna fix some eggs and light a fire and enjoy my snow day with my kids and worry about working out tomorrow, which might not happen either! Maybe I can get down Saturday and lift, and just get on my treadmill today and tomorrow. We'll see, I guess?!?! I hate the cold, so ready for warm weather and the pool and golf! A few more months and I'll be happy!

WOW~

I was so tired this morning, almost quit and crawled back in bed and pulled the quilt over my head! But, I got up and got the kiddos off to school and went to the gym. My thoughts this morning were that I was only gonna walk and ride the bike for my 45 minutes and go home. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to get more tired, but once I started, I wanted to feel the burn, I wanted to push myself! And boy, did I! I went for 25 minutes on the treadmill at 3.3-3.5 and walked all the way up to a 10% incline and back down! Then to finish my butt-kicking, I got on the elliptical and went for a whole 20 minutes! I usually go 15, on the treadmill, bike and elliptical, but felt like it wasn't pushing me enough, so I decided to change it up a little. My friends helped me so much this morning, just by cheering me on, and giving me a few words of encouragement, it's amazing how much that helps! My devotional today was AWESOME too! It kind of brought some things into perspective for me, it was about decisions. Little ones, big ones, and it tends to be the little ones that have been effecting me the most. I make all the right BIG decisions, going to church, getting up in the morning, going back to school...it's the little bites I take between meals, the decision to sit on my arse all day, or to read or not to read my Bible. These things affect me more deeply than I realize, and that's where I need to work, on the everyday decisions that you really don't think about much. What if I had stuck with my first decision to not work hard this morning, what if I had dicided to not go work out, but go back to bed!

Now, to work on the rest of my little decisions, laundry, dishes, vaccuming, etc. I choose not to do them, but why? THey need to be done, and that is one of the reasons I stay home, is to get them done. Then why don't I want to do them? Why can't I seem to find the pride in my home to get it done? I had it so cleaned up and nice before Christmas, but now, I don't really care! There's laundry on the couch and dishes in the sink, and floors that are screaming to be vaccumed! Get up and do it! I'm just so tired! UGH! I'm gonna have to find a balance between the workouts and the housework and my schoolwork and taking care of the kids and my hubby! UGH! It just feels so overwhelming sometimes! Especially today!

Praying for strength from the Lord to get through these grueling workouts and to get all my other priorities straight as well! God is good, and He will prevail and I know that through Him all things are possible!

Here I go again!

The title is a song from my childhood, "Here I go again on my own...", and that's how I feel, here I go again, attempting to lose this stinking weight again! Only this time, I have God on my side and the support of some amazing friends and my precious family! That's what I have, a precious family, they are, I love them with all my heart, and I am so proud of them. I will lose this weight and gain my life back. I am so afraid that I am going to die young and not be here for my kids and my husband. I have to change my life, or this fear will come to realization. I can't imagine what hell that would be to lose your mother because she can't control her eating habits. DUH! How dumb would that be? So, a couple of weeks ago, I laid it all at the alter, I gave it to God and asked Him to help me get this under control, and boy, did He ever answer my prayers! He sent me to the gym and ask Michelle for help, for a strategy for some weight loss, and she kicked my butt! It was SO hard but I did it and I even went back the next day! I have always enjoyed working out, but have let my obsession of the television and computer and home overcome my life and take control. I am so mad at myself that I have gotten to this point, of having to lose at least 100 lbs to even come close to a healthy weight. SAD HUH? I can't believe that I have totally let go of myself, I let myself fall down in a hole and could not get out! I am slowly trying to drag myself out of it, with God on my side, I cannot fail, right? That's my prayer...Lord give me the strength to get up every morning and to kick myself in the rear and get it done!