Walking through wet cement...

That's what I felt like today when I got on my treadmill, like I was walking through wet cement and it was drying really quickly! I wanted to stop so badly, my legs were screaming, my arms felt like 50 lb weights, and my mind was no where close to exercise! I stayed on and went up to 10% incline and back down and thought I'd get off after I hit 1%, but I trudged through the cement and eventually I felt like it wasn't drying quite so fast. I kept hearing in my head, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." I believe this statement wholeheartedly. I am lazy, have been lazy for a long time, and getting this laziness off of my shoulders is gonna take a lot of work. I stayed on the treadmill and even went back up to 5% and back down again, and even jogged for a minute just to see what it felt like. It was HARD, I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy, cause it wasn't, but I did it and I'm proud. I am gonna lose this weight and change my life forever, I will not die to my obesity! I'm sick of it, sick of it! Sick of feeling awful, of looking awful, and feeling like less of a person because of my weight. I refuse to quit this time! Woo hoo, the endorphins have kicked in and I feel good right now! HEHE!

WHAT?

Okay...I didn't make it to the gym today, so I got on my treadmill. I started off like I always do, and I was sucking air right off the bat! WHAT?!?! I've been working out for almost two weeks now, and I thought I was making headway, but now I get a slap in the face today! I don't know if I would have survived lifting day today! Just 32 minutes of cardio almost killed me, I was sweating buckets, seriously, I could have provided water for a small nation! Man, am I distressed...I loathe snow and cold weather, and what is it doing, snowing and blowing. I want to get a workout in and can't even go the full 45 minutes because I'm sucking air so bad, I can't breathe! WHAT!?!?! I have done so much damage to myself that it's gonna kill me to get it off, kind of ironic, huh? Gonna kill me if I don't, and it's gonna kill while I do! :D I'm a comodian! Life of the potty! DER! I do feel better that I did get off my arse today! Still mad that I struggled so hard! Oh well, I need to put on my big girl panties and deal!

Lots of snow today...lots of ice before the snow. Praying that the electricity stays on tonight! Making a pot of beans for tomorrow and a pot of stew for supper, and gots to have cornbread of course! Maybe a little piece!?! UGH! Maybe not! This is my life, arguing with myself about what I should and shouldn't eat!

ICE, SNOW, BURRITOES and BURP! :D

So, there's no school and ice everywhere with a 100% chance of snow on top of that! I would have loved to sleep in, but NO, my kids are up and at 'em this morning! UGH! I was also let down that I can't go work out, today is lifting day and I was kinda looking forward to it. I will get on my treadmill later, but right now Dunnigan is sleeping and I can't exactly get on it. I was happy he made it home safely, it took him 30 minutes to drive 11 miles! WOW! Usually takes him about 13-15 minutes. He might not have to go in tonight, depends on how much snow we get later. I guess I could get some school work done and some laundry, two of my favorite things, NOT! Oh well, it HAS to be done!

After class last night, I stopped at Taco Villa and got a burrito and nachos, um, well it was a combo burrito GRANDE! I'm so stupid, I didn't even want to eat it all but I did, including every nacho and all my Dr. Pepper! I was craving it SO bad, wanted Taco Villa something awful! But after I ate it all, I was miserable! COMPLETELY! Why did I eat it all? I could have stopped when I was full, but I didn't, I kept going until completely miserably full! STUPID! I had to take a Prilosec, something I hadn't had to do in a few weeks, but because I overate and ate too quickly, I had to take some last night. I need to remember how I felt and never do that again!

Now I'm gonna fix some eggs and light a fire and enjoy my snow day with my kids and worry about working out tomorrow, which might not happen either! Maybe I can get down Saturday and lift, and just get on my treadmill today and tomorrow. We'll see, I guess?!?! I hate the cold, so ready for warm weather and the pool and golf! A few more months and I'll be happy!

WOW~

I was so tired this morning, almost quit and crawled back in bed and pulled the quilt over my head! But, I got up and got the kiddos off to school and went to the gym. My thoughts this morning were that I was only gonna walk and ride the bike for my 45 minutes and go home. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to get more tired, but once I started, I wanted to feel the burn, I wanted to push myself! And boy, did I! I went for 25 minutes on the treadmill at 3.3-3.5 and walked all the way up to a 10% incline and back down! Then to finish my butt-kicking, I got on the elliptical and went for a whole 20 minutes! I usually go 15, on the treadmill, bike and elliptical, but felt like it wasn't pushing me enough, so I decided to change it up a little. My friends helped me so much this morning, just by cheering me on, and giving me a few words of encouragement, it's amazing how much that helps! My devotional today was AWESOME too! It kind of brought some things into perspective for me, it was about decisions. Little ones, big ones, and it tends to be the little ones that have been effecting me the most. I make all the right BIG decisions, going to church, getting up in the morning, going back to school...it's the little bites I take between meals, the decision to sit on my arse all day, or to read or not to read my Bible. These things affect me more deeply than I realize, and that's where I need to work, on the everyday decisions that you really don't think about much. What if I had stuck with my first decision to not work hard this morning, what if I had dicided to not go work out, but go back to bed!

Now, to work on the rest of my little decisions, laundry, dishes, vaccuming, etc. I choose not to do them, but why? THey need to be done, and that is one of the reasons I stay home, is to get them done. Then why don't I want to do them? Why can't I seem to find the pride in my home to get it done? I had it so cleaned up and nice before Christmas, but now, I don't really care! There's laundry on the couch and dishes in the sink, and floors that are screaming to be vaccumed! Get up and do it! I'm just so tired! UGH! I'm gonna have to find a balance between the workouts and the housework and my schoolwork and taking care of the kids and my hubby! UGH! It just feels so overwhelming sometimes! Especially today!

Praying for strength from the Lord to get through these grueling workouts and to get all my other priorities straight as well! God is good, and He will prevail and I know that through Him all things are possible!

Here I go again!

The title is a song from my childhood, "Here I go again on my own...", and that's how I feel, here I go again, attempting to lose this stinking weight again! Only this time, I have God on my side and the support of some amazing friends and my precious family! That's what I have, a precious family, they are, I love them with all my heart, and I am so proud of them. I will lose this weight and gain my life back. I am so afraid that I am going to die young and not be here for my kids and my husband. I have to change my life, or this fear will come to realization. I can't imagine what hell that would be to lose your mother because she can't control her eating habits. DUH! How dumb would that be? So, a couple of weeks ago, I laid it all at the alter, I gave it to God and asked Him to help me get this under control, and boy, did He ever answer my prayers! He sent me to the gym and ask Michelle for help, for a strategy for some weight loss, and she kicked my butt! It was SO hard but I did it and I even went back the next day! I have always enjoyed working out, but have let my obsession of the television and computer and home overcome my life and take control. I am so mad at myself that I have gotten to this point, of having to lose at least 100 lbs to even come close to a healthy weight. SAD HUH? I can't believe that I have totally let go of myself, I let myself fall down in a hole and could not get out! I am slowly trying to drag myself out of it, with God on my side, I cannot fail, right? That's my prayer...Lord give me the strength to get up every morning and to kick myself in the rear and get it done!