June....

Well....this month has stunk. I haven't worked out much at all this WHOLE month! I've hit a wall and don't really care! I don't want to work out, I want to enjoy my summer with my kiddos. I don't think I'm gonna pay next month or August. We're needing to cut back financially and since it's not a priority as of now, I think I'll take a couple months off of the gym. I am working out some here at home, running and push ups, sit ups and such, and I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any either. I'm not giving up, just stopping for a bit until I get through summer and get my head on straight!

VBS was pretty good. We had quite a few kiddos and it went fairly smoothly, until the last night, the final night was kinda rough, but it was still fun and the s'mores were great! All the help was wonderful, that's something I worried about the whole time, getting volunteers. My self confidence thing sneaking up on me! But it went great and it's done!

Had to build a stinking fence today to keep my dog in because our stupid neighbor took down the fence and won't put one back up! He told me three weeks max, and we're pushing NINE!!!!! RIDICULOUS! My poor dog has been on a 20 foot leash for TOO long! He's such an ass! Arrogant and haughty! UGH! Oh well, we've fixed the no fence problem for now, but I'll build my own fence if he doesn't hurry up and get that thing finished SOON!

Heading to Mansfield Sunday! Staying at Joe Pool Lake in our little camper, it's gonna be great to see Dunnigan's sister and to take the kiddos to Hurricane Harbor! Hope Koty can handle the golf course down there, it's THICK with trees and a pretty hard course! Oh well, it'll be beautiful to play and he'll have fun! I can't wait to get out of town for a few days too!

Well, jotted down some thoughts that kept bouncing around so maybe I can get the voices to quiet down enough to relax and go to sleep!

They were silenced today...

The voices, they were humbled today before my glorious Creator. I love the morning jog when there's just me, my dog, and my ipod full of praises for my Lord! We had a come to Jesus meeting and I was reminded that only He can answer the prayers and in His time. VBS will work out and so will the garage sale and the family reunion. The voices have been silenced for now, and I am so happy today. I also have to thank a great friend for offering to help me out with a VBS issue, at least I know that the kiddos will have a teacher, even if none of the other people pan out. God is good and He will deliver when asked for humbly and without greed of heart! I want these monkeys to have a great experience and to see Him work in some of their lives like no other can!

So, the weight loss issues. I've started counting my calories again. I've not done well in several weeks and I'm not sure what is going on, so I'm going to keep up with how much I'm eating for a while and see if that helps. I'm SO ready to see more results on the scale, though I do see results in my clothing, seriously thought my shorts would fall off yesterday, YAY! God and I, well we also had a chat this morning about keeping myself on the right path and to make His path so apparant to me that it shines like a beacon! I'm assuming that me losing weight is all a part of this path, because if I don't keep working it off, I will surely end up in an early grave, and I don't want that.

I also have to get a hold of my house, it seems to be running away from me, I just can't seem to get started on ANYTHING inside! I love to mow and weedeat and plant flowers and such, I just hate laundry, cleaning up, and anything to do with the inside! I know this is all a part of taking care of my family and myself, but I just can't seem to motivate in this area! WHY? It has to be done and no one will do it for me, so get off my duff and get it done....maybe later! hehe I have to get out to the shed, have to get ready for this garage sale Friday and Saturday! Phew! Anything else added to my plate???? Just kidding, cause I'm sure there could be more! :D

The Voices in my head.....

These voices in my head keep telling me that the reason that I'm struggling to get teachers for VBS, is because I'm the one in charge! I know there's a level of apathy in every church but this is ridiculous! I've been begging and I've been running my tail off and wondering if this is actually going to happen! I've been praying that God put it on someone's heart that they will step up and teach this little guys, if not, it looks like I will be teaching and heading up everything else! WOW, doesn't that sound like fun! UGH! Why does the devil place these thoughts in my head, it's a little nerve racking! I am really ready to get this done and hopefully next year someone else will step up, 'cause I ain't doing it!

These voices are also telling me to quit, just quit going to the gym! You're not accomplishing much, so why keep going! UGH! I know I am accomplishing a little, and a little will become more and more as time goes on, but I'm SO tired lately, SO TIRED! I'm really bummed and these voices, they just aren't helping me at all! The negative thoughts, the negative feelings, they were gone for a while, but have come back with a vengeance! Am I a schizoid or what! I have to stop the focusing on myself and focus on the task at hand...to be healthier for my family and to get this VBS going for those kiddos! God will prevail and He will get those in His classes that He wants! He will also help me to stay focused on my health and fitness and stopping these voices in my head! God is good and He will see me through! Shut up voices, I'm referring to my creator! HE IS GOOD!

FINALS WEEK!!

So, this is finals week! I have one to take Wednesday evening, and one online to take by Thursday! I also have to get my classroom observances done today and tomorrow! I also have to get in to my advisor to figure out what classes to take next semester and get stuff together so that we can have a great VBS! Phwew! That's quite a bit to get done this week, but I'm SO ready to be done with my classes this semester so I can get started on summer! :D YAY!

I weighed this morning, DOWN another 4 pounds since last Monday! YAY! That's a total of about 30 lbs since January! I'm so excited! I can feel the difference the working out is doing for my body and my energy, now if I could just get my mind in tune with the rest of me, I'd be doing pretty good! I still struggle with body image and self confidence, but I feel that will come as the weight keeps coming off, I hope! My "darkside" has been better, I don't get so unhappy and sad as much during the month, so that's a good thing. I also can play with the kids more and not just sit and stare at the TV or my computer. My ultimate goal is to run a 5K in September! I think I'll be able to achieve this goal, I'm currently walk/jogging 2.5 miles, so I think by September I'll be good to go!

God is SO good and has blessed me beyond measure and I have to remember that everything I have and everything I am, is only because He loves me, ALL of me, just the way I am, and nobody can change that! I just love the saying, "It's hard to stumble when you are on your knees!" I'm trying to keep Him in my every thought and action and word throughout my day! It can be difficult, but I will keep trying. Life is sweeter when your living for Him! Going to shower up, got to get around so I can get my precious Dyl-pickle and eat lunch and head to the Jr. High today! Hope it's a great one!

Oh forgot to mention, it's Dunnigan's birthday this Friday, so I'm taking him to dinner and a movie, first date night we've had in a while! SO excited! Going with some of our best friends, too...WOO HOO! Can't wait!

BUSY.....

So I haven't written my thoughts in a while, been extremely busy! Which is a good thing, keeps me from going to those dark places and having my pity party, much all night fests! :D I've done pretty well on my workouts, with Michelle changing it up on me I think it really has helped as bad as I hate to admit it! The first week was BRUTAL, my arms ached so bad I missed class that week. Then the next week got better and now this week is pretty good, I might raise some of my weight or do more reps. I am seeing more results than I have in weeks and I'm excited again! YAY! I only had one day this month that I could call "dark". I didn't handle a situation well with Dunnigan and it led to a HUGE argument and it just so happened that that day was the same day I missed class! Oh well, it's better than two weeks of anger and uncontrollable sadness! I'm struggling right now with getting VBS workers together, doesn't seem like anyone wants to help, they all want it done, just don't want to be the ones to do it! That's the problem with our church, we all want stuff done, just some don't want to chip in and "do their part! Define your part! Where does it explain your part in the Bible?" HEHE Dr. Don quote there! :D Oh well, God is good and I know this will all go as He has planned!

We are also trying SO hard to keep our finances in check. We have a new car payment and we should be able to make this payment with no problems, but we have a tendency to spend before we pay bills and that HAS to stop! We are doing pretty well so far, one payment into this 5 year loan, hoping to get our credit cleaned up and refinance it next year! We have a tweenager fixing to need a vehicle, so we need to get this one paid for and get Dunnigan a new one and get the little Jeep all fixed up for Koty! WOW! Can't believe my life has gone by so quickly! Talking about Koty driving makes me a little WOooOZiiee! It's just gone by so fast! *sniff sniff* :D

I'm getting tired of these clouds and rain, but I know it will make this grass and all these trees so fabulous! It's just so hard to get up out of bed and function when it's dark and gloomy! I have a sinus headache from H-E double toothpicks today! NOTHING will get rid of it! UGH! I also have Bunco tonight, usually love to go play, but wish I could just go to bed and sleep this stupid thing off! ICK! Oh well, maybe it'll ease up before I go down to Kathy's. Going to rest my eyes for a bit before Bunco! God is good and His grace is enough!

Osteoporosis???

So, the Dr. office told me that it looks like Koty has osteoporosis in his feet. I google it and read all kinds of info about it. It seems that it can be caused by an underlying problem, but Koty has none of the symptoms of the others, so I'm assuming that he has what is called idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis. We have him on Tums 3x a day and a multivitamin that has vitamin D in it. The Dr. office didn't seem that concerned, but I am. Why would my healthy son be losing bone density? I had to ask if I neeeded to follow up, or if this was all that needed to be done! Kinda crazy! Maybe I'm too concerned about this and it isn't anything at all, but I can't help but wonder. I am going to turn this over to God and let Him handle it from here, I worry too much when I try to deal with things beyond my control!

So, another thing I HAVE to do, is to call my Dr. I haven't had a checkup in over 2 years. My mom has been telling me to schedule an appointment and get it done, I just hate to do it! But I know I have to. I'm just nervous that I'll need to have a hysterectomy or something, but I guess I'll get through whatever needs to be done, I just don't want to right now. I don't know why I feel that I will need surgery, I just do. It's something that I feel is inevitable and that this might be the year that I need it taken out. So, okay, I'm getting off here to get my appointment scheduled and to go eat lunch...praying for Koty's healing!

Getting discouraged...

Had a wonderful day today, but feeling a little let down and discouraged this evening. I'm not losing any weight! I'm not eating near what I was and I'm working out like crazy! I've even been out and about, trying not to sit in front of my computer all day. I'm just not losing ANYTHING! I hate to go on any type of "diet" because I know from prior experience that I WON'T stick to it! I need to figure out what I can do to get this weight off! I'm SOOOO sick of it! I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the self-conscienciousness I have...it is really taking its toll on my life and I'm ready for my this to be GONE! I have to figure out something else, maybe a food journal of some kind, so that I actually see what I am eating, so that I can make some cuts or adjustments during the day. I think my focus has moved and I'm trying to do it on my own...I tend to do that from time to time. So, I'm going to try to focus my eyes on God and let Him lead me to the path I'm to follow on this journey! I get a little cocky thinking I'm living this life for my enjoyment and I need to refocus it on Him and His plan for me. Trying to get rid of this discouragement, going to have a visit with my Lord...