Busy week....

So, I've been so busy lately, but I've had a pretty good week! I love my workouts in the mornings, and I actually got some results this week, first week in a LONG while. I lost 8 pounds! Whoop Whoop! I'm 1.6 pounds of a personal goal I've set for myself! So excited! Trying HARD to stay on track this weekend so that I will be able to hit this goal by March, which is Monday! I'm eating pizza for lunch, but only two pieces and not a whole half of a pizza! :D

On another note, I'm such a procrastinator. I've put off my reading schoolwork for a week and a half! It's due tomorrow by midnight! DUH! Why do I do this to myself? I know it's due, I know I am completely capable of this work, but I put it off until the last minute and then have to cram to get it done. Even now, I'm blogging instead of doing my work! Good grief! I'm kinda ridiculous!

Sent my kiddo off on an out of town youth activity, first one ever. So glad Jano is going, eases my mind a little. God is good, and He will take care of my guy! I'm just silly about letting him go off without us! I'll be praying for his safe return! I know he'll have a blast, there's tons of bands and it'll be awesome, wish we could've gone!

Going to get off here and get my lunch in my gut and do this stupid homework! UGH! Would rather do housework than this! Now you know it's bad! :D

Hmmmm...

So, things are kinda weird this week. Haven't been in a great mood, but not really pissy, just kinda here. I'm encouraged that I am stepping up my exercise, I'm happy with my precious family, and I can't wait to see what God has planned with this new bomb that has been dropped on our family. I got to go to church tonight instead of my class, really enjoyed that. Got to step in my old class and check on them, I've really missed them and got lots of hugs! I spent time with the high school kids and listen to my hubby give his lesson. It was fun! Getting my hair did tomorrow and hanging out with some fabulous friends, ought to be a good laugh! I can't overdo it on pizza or Friday morning will kill me! Getting a little nervous about this weekend...will be very interesting!

It's only TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a week! Yup, it's been quite a week and it's only Tuesday! Our little family has had a huge weight dropped on us, and don't really know what to do with it! I've been on my knees asking God, WHAT? Really? I can't say much yet, but know that my brother's family and my mom and dad are in dire need of prayer and support! It's just a big thing and it'll be interesting to find out what God has planned for our families! God is good and I know that there is something good to come out of this ordeal.

Okay, enough "mystery"! I'm excited about the new regimen starting tomorrow. Gonna start lifting three times a week. I've noticed that my weeks are starting to get easier and need a bump up a little, so tomorrow we will start and see how that goes. Should be interesting! :D Had a huge accomplishment today! Went for the entire time on the elliptical today, a little over 46 minutes and I got 10 miles done! I also raised the load up to 10, whoop whoop! Makes me feel good! I made myself SWEAT a lot!

I figured out why I had such a rough end to my week, it's that "fun" time in every woman's life and was a little surprised by it this morning, even though I was down in a dark place last week. Kinda makes me glad to know that that's the reason for my depression last week. I really struggle sometimes with all the business that goes along with this disorder, but this time didn't seem quite so bad. I didn't have the symptoms for 2 weeks like usual, but only for a few days, which is HUGE! I've been known to cry for days straight! My face and neck break out in huge pimples, worse than a teenage boy! :( SUCKS! My self image suffers, I don't like myself, my hair, my face, who I am, etc. My interest in housework, schoolwork, church and just being around others gets really bad. I'd rather stay in bed and watch TV and hide! I didn't struggle quite so bad this time. I still had the bloating and heaviness, but the sadness and depression wasn't quite as bad.

I started exercising because I saw that a friend had had success and I needed SOMETHING, but little did I know that it could actually help me as much as it has already! Can't wait to see what will happen as the year goes on! Going to take a shower now, got to get to Amarillo for Dunnigan's Chiropractic appointment.

SOOOOOOO TIRED TODAY!

I am so tired and sluggish today. I struggled through my workout horribly, and I felt like I was gonna fall down. I got done and just wanted to come home and go back to bed, but I had to go get my car and talk to Eugene about the goofy thing. So, they have to order a part($238-just for the part) and that will take a few days, so I went to get my mom so she could have her car back and I could pick mine up. When I finally got home, I sat down and began to play on the computer and couldn't keep my eyes open. I kept dosing off until it was time to get Dylan from school. I had to pry myself from my chair and find my shoes and trek out into the feezing weather. It's SO cold today, it's sinking down in my bones! I have just been miserable today. COLD, tired, ticked at a family member, just wanted to go hide under the covers! UGH! What a day! If the sun doesn't shine soon, I'm heading south! This is crazy! I keep feeling myself falling further down and it was just two days ago that I was fine. I hate being a woman sometimes, we have to deal with menstruation, child birth, cramps, mood swings, children, crazy family members, groceries, bills, should I go on? My PMDD is in high gear today, and it's early in the month...can't wait to see what the rest of the month has to hold! :( I have to push through this, or I will sink my ship and give up on my weight loss goals! Really hard to lose weight when you can't stop eating, another symptom of PMDD! I really need to call my Dr. and get some help with this, it's gonna get me so down, it'll be harder to come back up! Wow, this sets in quick. I forget from month to month how quickly I can go from happy go lucky me to PMDD moody, weepy, headachey, cranky, pity party throwing, depressed, unhappy, sadsack me! UGH! I've got to get up and stop wallowing in my self pity! Lord give me strength! Counting down the minutes until I can go back to bed, SO tired!

UGH!

Well, I didn't do well today. As soon as Dunnigan went to bed, I ate some chips and ranch dip and some of that stinking ice cream! They need to hide it from me. I only ate about 6 spoonfuls, but I didn't keep my promise to myself. Why? I keep my promises to others, why can't I keep the ones I make to myself? Ridiculous!

I've had some stress added as well. I seriously can't believe some people. I think she's crazy. I've thought she was crazy a long time ago, but it's getting worse. Why does she take out all her aggravation out on that poor child? It breaks my heart! He's one of God's children and he deserves so much better. I know I can't do anything about it, but I will pray for him and always, always show him the love that he doesn't get at home!

Lord, I lift him up to you and pray that he will some how know that he is loved and he is a wonderful child of God. Lord, please help her to let go of the anger and hatred and to learn to love this child for who he is. Lord, You can do all things and I pray that You place you loving arms around him and comfort him and love him! Thank You Lord, In Jesus precious name, amen!

MUNCHIE....

That's me this week! I want to eat eat eat! UGH! That doesn't work when you're trying to lose weight. I am trying to drink water to curb my appetite, and trying to eat a small snack here and there, but my gosh, I am still so hungry! It's crazy! I want it to STOP! Why must the food part of this be so hard? I can't seem to get that under control. It's ridiculous how badly I want to go get that bucket of ice cream and wipe it out! Not just a few bites, but ALL of it! WHY? Why do I think I need to eat it all!?!? So frustrating! I'm not going to eat it all, in fact I am going to stay out of it completely today! I will not eat any of it! Last night at Bible study Leah was so touching. She shared a lot of her pain and problems to us last night. Bless her heart. I wish I could have half of her strength. She has to struggle just to get out of a chair, and I can stand without any problems, heck, I can climb on the elliptical for 30 minutes or more with no problem. I have to be thankful for that. I feel like I let God down sometimes. I feel like I'm a big disappointment. It's sad the pity parties I throw myself! I'm ridiculous sometimes! I have to remember, I have not let Him down, He doesn't see me through human eyes, He sees my heart. He sees me trying and He loves me even when I struggle. He loves me and will never leave me! WOW! He's awesome! Just trust in Him and this will get me through. I'm still craving snacks, but I do feel better. I needed to put it all in front of me so I can see how crazy I'm acting. I can do this...I will do this. I have no other choice. Just forget that the ice cream is in there, and go about your day, NOW! The Lord is my source of strength, with Him I can do ALL things! Lord take these cravings away! PLEASE! Help me to remain strong and not to give in to these temptations to eat and eat!

Thou shalt not eat chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream....

Okay. Tonight I was SO craving this ice cream, so I thought, no, I'll eat a few chips, salt, yea, salt will take the ice cream craving go away. Well, didn't help, so I decided to eat the few crumbs of chocolate chip cookies that were left in the bottom of the container. Pitiful, I know! So I finally gave in, and I got out the most heavenly Schwan's ice cream I've ever eaten, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup! Ahhhhh! You open the lid and a barage of angels sing it's praises! HEHE! It's just that good! So I open the lid, hear the angels sing, and take the first bite and BAM! I'm choking and choking and I can't breathe and I'm peeing my pants! As I'm wheezing through the chocolate and peanut butter, I hear in the back of my head, "Thou shalt not eat chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream when you promise not to until the weekend!" HEHE! So I dragged my sad self to the shower, changed my clothes.....then decided to eat just one more bite before I put it up.....DUH! He said NO! I started choking again! What? Am I going to choke every time I eat it!?!?! OH NO! I've been praying that I would see food as fuel and only eat when hungry. I have also prayed that my obsession with chocolate and sweets be curbed in some way. Well, I guess I'm gonna choke everytime I eat sweets when I've promised myself I wouldn't! Can that happen? What have I done!?!?!? Crazy! :D

Friday!!!!

So, it's Friday. I really have had a great week all in all. I really can't complain. My biceps are sore, but that's it. I did 30 on the elliptical and 15 on the stationary bike this morning. I was sweating big time today! It was hard, really hard, but I did it. I feel so good this afternoon. I can't believe I ever let myself get this fat. I'm so pissed! My former self would so kick my present self's ass! I am just coming to the realization how hard this is gonna be. I have worked my butt off the last three weeks and haven't seen much of a weight change. I feel better and have a lot more stamina and I'm happier, but not much of a weight loss. I've even been documenting how many calories I take in, but nothing much still. I see that this is going to be a marathon, and I'm just going to have to get it done. I have no other choice. I'm not giving myself another choice, it's do it or die!

Now, since today is Friday, I don't have to exercise tomorrow or Sunday. BUT, I have to remember that food is not entertainment, it is to nourish my body. THAT'S ALL! I don't think I can keep going if I go back on Monday and have a weight gain or NO weight loss. So, I have to eat, but not overeat. That's hard for me, I am so food oriented, it's stupid! I LOVE TO EAT! I wish I didn't, but I do. That's my prayer for the weekend, that God help me to put my obsession with food behind me and learn other ways to entertain myself, and to comfort myself. Food is fuel, that's it. Going to eat at Buns Over Texas tomorrow, and I think I will half a burger with Dylan. That'll help with my portion control and with money. I think it'll work out great. I'm also going to The Country Peddler show, it's great fun and can't wait to go. Looking for stuff for my kitchen, bathroom or bedroom. YAY!

Sleepy....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So sleepy this afternoon. Didn't sleep well last night, don't know why, just do that sometimes. It hasn't bothered me much to miss sleep lately, but today, man, I just can't shake it! I want to nap, but if I nap, I really don't sleep at night! Okay, now with that said. I made my work out this morning and I felt so good today. I feel better and better everyday. I actually had an epihpany this week, I CAN LOSE THIS WEIGHT! I started this working out thing thinking I'd give it a shot and see what happens, but yesterday, I just felt it. I can do this! It's gonna be hard and it's gonna take time, but I won't quit this time. I can't, if I do, I know what will happen, I will get even fatter! When that happens, I'll feel even worse and could put my health at risk. This time is different, I haven't had to have anybody there. I haven't had to have anybody pushing me, I've done it all week without help or pushing and I worked my can off! I HOPE! :D

Didn't make it to class last night, we got more snow. Kinda sick of that! Ready for winter to be OVER! We are supposed to have even more snow Sunday or Monday, then again on Thursday or Friday next week! URGH! SO tired of it! Maybe I should try reverse psychiatry on it, I LOVE SNOW, I WANT IT TO SNOW ALL DAY LONG! I WANT IT TO SNOW DAY IN AND DAY OUT! There, let's see what happens! :D It'll probably snow for days and days now! OH, I'm ready for warm weather, flowers, sunshine, pool, golf....etc. Not sure if I'll live through two more storms, or however more we have coming this season!

Gravestone: She died of boredom and severe hatred for snow!

Thinking of my grandparents....

For some reason, tonight I am missing my grandparents. All of them. They were all special and an integral part of my life. My dad's dad was a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted man. I remember him only from when I was a child, he died when I was 10. I remember he had so much spirit, so much love for his grandchildren. And I miss him, I missed out on getting to know him well. He missed seeing me grow up and have his great grand-children. It makes me sad. I had the privilege of having the others up until two years ago, though my nanny, my dad's mom, pretty much checked out several years ago. She was something else. She was pretty prideful and vain, but she loved us, a lot! I hated that she didn't get to meet the brown-eyed grandkid she'd always wanted. She passed away when I was 34, and I hadn't seen her in 4 years or more. That makes a person feel bad, she was my nanny. She was Jahovah's Witness Cult and it put a lot of stress on our relationship, though we did spend a lot of time during the summers at her house. I remember their garden, the funny little stand up shower in their bathroom, the match lighting, tee hee, and the huge wash tub in the laundry room that I used to bathe in as a small child!

My mom's parents were the best. They were always very involved in our lives. They came to concerts and recitals and were here for so many holidays I can only remember a few that they weren't. My papa passed away Jan. 11, 1997 and was burried Jan. 14, 1997. There's a huge significance to these dates, Koty was born Jan. 14, 1998, very cool huh? My grandma was the one who drew that to my attention. I hated that my papa didn't get to meet my kids, he would have loved them. He was a character, he called me Genie with the light brown hair. What? I was always blonde! I think he could have taught Koty and Dylan to play the guitar. He could have shown them so many things. I miss him!

My grandma, hmmm, where do I start, she was one of my best friends as we got older. She was wonderful and kind and loved us like a grandma does. I learned to cook fried chicken like she did, and boy could she fry that chicken! She was a Sunday school teacher, and a good mom, and a great grandma! I miss her so badly. She could always see the good in everyone, even her stinking rotten grandkids! :D She had a distorted view of her boys, but it was just because she loved them so much, she couldn't see that they were messing up. She so wanted them to be successful and happy, and I think through her death, she may have reached my Uncle Phil. I'm praying. My Uncle Tracey, well, he's a different story, prayers for him too, though. Grandma loved, that's what she was guilty of, she loved too much to see that they had really goofed up their lives. I think in the end, she realized her greatest accomplishment on earth was my mom. My mom is the best. She smacks me down when I need it, she builds me up when I need it, and she loves, she might even love deeper than my grandma did. It's a tight race! Grandma passed last year, and we have missed her smile, her goofy antics and her sweet love that only she could give ever since. I know she's better now, no more back pain, no more struggling to breath, but I do miss her tons!

Just feeling nostalgic tonight and wanted to thank God for my grandparents! They were an eclectic mix, but they were mine and I appreciate every opportunity I had to spend with them here on earth.

I'm all alone, there's nobody here beside me...

HEHEHEHE! That's Donkey's song from Shrek! That's the way I felt this morning, no one was at the gym, I am so glad that I had Koty's Ipod! It so helped me get through...30 MINUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL! Woo HOO! It wasn't easy, but I did it! YAY ME! I also stepped on the scales again, I know, I shouldn't, but I did, and I'm down 3 pounds today! I am so happy, it's gonna work! It has to! I have to get healthy, and stay that way! I have too many health issues looming over my head. Found out today that my dad's pre-cancerous cells on his face are now cancerous. Not sure what is going to come of this, but I'm praying the treatment next week will fix it and he won't have any more treatments. It's scary to think about losing your parents, I'm not ready for that, for sure! Now, I have to focus on my schoolwork, or I will not get it done today!

So...it's Monday....

Today was actually a good day, and it's Monday! I didn't sleep well last night, was anticipating my work out this morning, and weighing after being stuck at home forEVER and going out to eat at Napoli's and eating pot luck at church and at my in-laws! I was happy I didn't gain anything, but felt like I was on the road to sabotaging my goals already! I want to lose weight, I want to feel better and be able to run and play with my boys and go hiking and things. We have now decided to go skiing next Christmas and it's impossible to do that at my weight! So that's my second goal, my first? Dallas, Six Flags, Hurricane Harbor, Ft. Worth Zoo this summer. I don't want to watch my family have fun, I want to be in there with them, having fun, laughing, smiling in my pictures, not hiding behind the camera! Why do I let my cravings take comtrol? I give in and eat, whatever I'm craving! I have to remember that food is to fuel my body, nourishment, not entertainment, not comfort for my ill-feelings!

On the other had, I have to stop procrastinating. I have two assignments and two tests due tomorrow, and I still haven't read the chapters yet! WHAT is wrong with me this semester? I usually procrastinate, but not this badly! I am really sinking my own boat, these classes are two that I HAVE to make Bs in, I HAVE to. It's a requirement for my degree plan! I am going to have to get my act together and QUICKLY or I will completely screw this up! AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! Deep breath, now, go read and stop thinking about food for a while, tomorrow!! :D